I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I just forgot I was standing up.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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