Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
