my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
