don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
That was an excessively violent trivia night
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
