oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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