captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
