I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
