Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
