She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize