probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
