can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
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