Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
