Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Two words: blizzard sex
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
