I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
