1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
