If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize