I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
