Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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