dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
