just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
