At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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