so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
