There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
