OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
