I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
