I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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