Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
