I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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