My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Randomize
