So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
