i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
COCAINE IS GR8
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
