My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
