Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
