i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
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