my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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