we have pet lesbian snakes
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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