No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Houston, we have a blender
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
