he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
