My room smells like vodka and shame
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
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Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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