I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
