dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
COCAINE IS GR8
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
