fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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