Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
