I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
