Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
