I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
