Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
