If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
