So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
