Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
