i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
