fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Randomize
