i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
