He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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