Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
