Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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