Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
