Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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