Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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