At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
