i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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