whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
i've created a new STD.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
