I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
