I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
